


All my favourite colours

by runaway_killjoy



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, The Black Parade
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-15
Updated: 2014-09-15
Packaged: 2018-02-17 13:44:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 14,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2311694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/runaway_killjoy/pseuds/runaway_killjoy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gerard is visiting his brother in hospital when he sees a new face. Frank Iero is critically ill yet in Gerard he finds a reason and will to carry on. Faith, circumstance and misfortune try to stand between them as Frank fights for his life and Gerard for Frank.<br/>Adapted from and inspired by the song Cancer from the album The Black Parade.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

My footsteps echo as I pace the halls. It’s been three hours. Three fucking hours. My legs are tired and sore and there are seats but I don’t feel comfortable sitting. It’s sort of like an injustice; I get the comforts of sparsely padded chairs and consciousness while Mikey gets a steel table, sleeping gas and god know what else.  
Eight weeks ago he noticed all these pains and blood and mucus where it shouldn’t be. He was over at his friend’s and he felt really bad so we brought to the hospital and hasn’t left since. Bowel cancer.  
The door opens and several nurses stride out pushing a hospital bed with my brother lying on it.  
“Hey, you must be Gerard,” one crazy haired dude says walking over to me, “I’m Ray, one of Mikey’s nurses.” He smiles widely. I nod and he continues, “Anyway the treatment seemed to have worked pretty well this time and if he isn’t worse by the morning we’ll try again!” He smiles even wider. He looks kind of insane.  
“Uh, okay yea that’s great. Can I see him?” I say taking a step back from smiling Ray.  
“Yea sure but he’ll be out for another three hour at least. Follow me, we have him in a new room” Ray says gesturing me down the bright sterile hall. The place smells weird, like puke and bleach and detergent and bleach.  
Mikey’s new room is tiny and grey with a big window facing over the interstate. Charming.  
I sit down in the blue-grey armchair between Mikey and window. Only sitting here fiddling with the toy unicorn I brought did I realise there was another bed. A small body with black hair was curled up and snoring. Mikey would be sharing with a child I guess. It was getting really late and Mikey wasn’t waking anytime soon so I decided I’d rest my eyes, just for a while.

“Gee?” I darted awake, light filling my eyes and the fact that I’m somewhere new giving me a heart attack. All I could see was white and I thought I was dead or dying.  
My eyes focussed after a few seconds and I see my dorky little brother staring at me from his hospital bed. “Calm down Gee it’s alright I just wanted to know if you wanted coffee.” I nod and he tells a woman in blue that we both would love a cup of it.  
“You could have just, like, ordered me some and woken me gently then when it came. I never don’t want coffee,” I moan. Standing up straight I feel ridiculously stiff and sore from that fucking chair. “Here,” I hand him the unicorn, “I brought you this, Mrs Bryar knitted it or something, I don’t know”  
His whole face lights up and he grabs it out of my hands and hugs it smiling like an idiot.  
A laugh comes from the other side of the room. The kid was pushing himself upright in the bed. Okay, he couldn’t be a kid he has loads of tattoos, but he is really small. He looks about Mikey’s age.  
And is really handsome.  
“Uh sorry I didn’t mean to be rude just didn’t think I’d wake up to see a dude hugging a fucking unicorn,” the guy said. “Um I’m Frank… Hi…”  
“Hi,” Mikey says, “I’m Mikey and this is my brother Gerard…” The room is awkwardly silent until the woman comes in with the coffee.  
“Thanks,” Mikey says and passes me a cup. It tastes bad but hospital things always do.  
“So…” Frank says, “What are you in for”  
I laugh, “Sounds like he’s been jailed not in hospital.”  
Mikey rolls his eyes at me but he’s smiling so only kind of embarrassed by his lame ass brother. “Cancer, you?”  
“Cancer. Lung cancer actually, don’t smoke kids” Frank says scratching the back of his neck. His sleeve falls down revealing more tattoos. The dude’s got loads. Like a sleeve of them. I look at each one I can see individually before I realise I’m staring. Frank sees me staring too.  
“Shit sorry,” I mumble out, “Um, uh, you have cool uh tattoos…” Shit, shit, shit.  
He laughs, “it’s cool” and we go back into silence. After a while Frank speaks again, “You got any?”  
I laugh, “nope, no way. I mean they’re um cool on other people just not for me…” well that came out vaguely offensive…  
“Okay…” he says. More silence  
“Okay, well um I’m going to go to work I’ll come back to see you tonight or something, Mikey,” I say standing up.  
“They’re doing some scan things or something today,” he says about to stand up.  
I wave him down. “Rest for fuck sake, give ‘em hell kid later and text me how it goes.” I stumble over to the door saying my goodbyes and then stumble into the car park where I stumble into that Ray guy. “Uh sorry man,” I say.  
“Hey Gerard! It’s okay! How’s your brother?” He smiles widely. I take a second before answering him. My mind didn’t really process what he said as it was too busy marvelling at the dude’s hair. It looked big yesterday tied back but now… wow.  
“He seemed normal” I finally manage.  
“Good, good. Well see ya!” he beams and walks away. Morning people are weird.  
I drive home before work. I get decent coffee and have a smoke in my little shitty kitchen. I remember Frank and his “don’t smoke kids” comment and feel sort of wrong. Whatever.  
I decide I want a shower even though I’ll probably be late for work.  
I step in under the warm water and for a while I just stand there. My thoughts keep going to Frank and his tattoos. Just met the guy, don’t know anything about him and I’m already going hard for him in the shower. I laugh at myself then, realising how insane that is I just step out and dry myself, forcing thoughts if Frank out and refusing to acknowledge what under the towel thinks.  
I dress and smudge a layer of eyeliner on before driving to work. Bob is there at the counter of “Bryar’s Music Store” when I walk in. He’s scowling because he hates counter work, mornings and when I’m late. “Way, you’re fucking late again, I’ve had to deal with like four customers” he says looking as distressed as Bob can.  
“Sorry man I was at the hospital last night,” I say taking his place behind the counter. “They were doing this new radio therapy shit on Mikey last night. It’s experimental or something.”  
“How’d that go,” Bob asks walking off to put records in order in the back room.  
“Okay I think. I mean he wasn’t worse after it so that’s like a gigantic plus and it might help after another few goes… He loved the unicorn by the way,” I say.  
Bob remerges from the back covered in dust with a cd. “That’s good. I’ll tell my mother she’s worried about him. I am too though the dudr doesn’t deserve cancer… Now look at this. Look. Some idiot shoved a One Direction CD in not only the vinyl section but the metal vinyl section” and thus begins Bob’s “no appreciation for the sanctity of metal” rant for the day.


	2. Chapter Two

_Scans went good I think. Have a new nurse, he’s kinda weird but nice and his hair is like wow. The Frank dude is cool. Pete wants to visit tonight give him a lift plz_ _J_ _xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx_ Mikey always sent a weird amount of x’s. At first he did it to take the piss out of his ex who was one of those girls who never left her preteen years. Now he does it habitually and it weirds out people like Bob and our mom.

      I unlock my phone and reply _Good to hear about the scans. I met the nurse, ray right? Happy guy... yea I’ll get P tty then_ _J_ _._

     When I leave Bob to lock up I’m so I tired I could sleep now rather than try keep up with Pete.

      I pick him up outside his apartment block. He jumps in the car and immediately starts talking. “Fucking hell man guess what! My dick is gone viral, again. Like what the fuck I only sent it to three girls in the history of ever,” and it continues like this. I like Pete but man the guy can talk.

     We walk into the hospital room and Pete makes a dive at Mikey. The bed across is empty.

     “Missed you man! How are you? How’s your ass? Stop taking it up the butt and you won’t have this problem” Pete laughs.

     I sit down in the corner and take out the sketch book I brought. I knew I’d have to let Pete have a long talk at my brother so I came prepared.

     After about half an hour while Pete was telling Mikey about their other friends and this apprentice he had come work with him call Brendon, the door opened and Frank was wheeled, looking exhausted. He pulled himself into bed and sighed.

     “Hey, you okay?” I ask from the corner.

     “No. I’m not o-fucking-kay,” he snaps. Then he sighs again and softer says, “Sorry I’ve just been through four fucking hours of chemo and my chest hurts.”

     “Yea it was kind of a dumb question anyway, sorry. How long have you been in treatment?” I say. I guess I’m just desperate to talk to this hot guy. Even looking soggy from chemo I want to just, like, kiss him.

     “Long enough for my insurance company to hate me and my family to stop visiting daily,” he laughs, “Nah I’ve had this fucking cancer for two and a half years. What are you drawing anyway?”

      I look ashamedly down at my sketches. “Uh nothing really. Some character ideas for comic books and stuff.”

     “Can I see?”

     “Uh yea sure. Warning they’re shit.” I pass him over my sketch book and watch his smile grow.

      “These are fucking awesome man! Can I look at the others?” he asks smiling. I nod and he flicks through it eyes growing wide. I feel embarrassed like he was seeing me naked or something. “Dude these are amazing are you like an artist or something?”

     “No way! I work in Bryar’s music store. I sell CDs and band shirts and amps and shit” I say kind of hoping he’d strike up a conversation about music.

     “Nice, I think I bought a guitar there before I was hospitalized. I had this band Pencey Prep,” Frank said and started talking about his influences and his band and his songs. I just stared at his mouth as he formed the words and had to hold back the urge to stop them with my mouth.

     After a while Pete realised Frank was here and the whole room was alive with the debate Blink 182 vs Green Day.

     After about two hours the smiley big haired nurse came in to tell us to leave and started piling medication onto Frank’s bedside locker.

     I dropped Pete home and pulled into my own. As soon as I hit the pillow I fell asleep and dreamed about Frank.

 

The next morning I drank two pots of coffee before heading to work. Bob was just unlocking when I turned up. “New shipment of nirvana stuff today. So many girls buying their shirts. Not only do they not know the band but they don’t know what they stood for you know?” And here began Bob’s rant of the day.

     At lunch I stood in the back room for a smoke and to eat a sandwich when two texts light up the screen.

_Are you coming over today? If yes bring that drawing you did if me to show Frankie he won’t shut up about your drawings xxxxxxxxxxxxxx_

      From Mikey and then one from Pete

_Do you like that Frank dude? Mikey says you do and we have a bet. If you don’t I get his bike –P_

     Nice one Mikey. I decide not to reply to Pete and tell Mikey that I would.

     The day drags on as we sell nirvana merch while Bob scowls from the music equipment side of the shop.

     I stop home to pick up the drawing before heading to the hospital. Ray is in the room talking quietly to Frank and gesturing at a sheet of paper. For the first time he’s not beaming. Mikey is asleep so I just sit down beside his bed and listen to music until Ray leaves.

     “Hey,” I say pulling my earbuds out, “How are you doing?”

     “My body is trying to kill me but elsewise I’m excellent. Is that the drawing?” He says sitting up.

     “Yea, here” I hand it over to him. I know better than to ask but I really want to know what Ray was saying.

     “Mikey wears glasses?” he asks.

     “Yea just not here I guess.”

     “This is fucking amazing dude. Could you draw me?”

     I nod. Drawing his face is mesmerising, all its lines that fit perfectly to make this incredibly hot guy. Drawing the sweep of his neck and then the scorpion.

     “Here it’s done,” I hold out the page to him and he starts to grin.

     “Fuck that’s amazing! Can I keep it?”

     “Yea if you want.”

     “Thanks man. Hey Mikey, your brother is awesome where can I get one” he laughs.

     Mikey is sitting up in his bed grinning. My cheeks are red hot and when Frank turns away Mikey winks knowingly at me. “Hey Gee, me and Pete had this bet right, I think he just lost.”


	3. Chapter 3

Three weeks passed and I visited Mikey, and Frank, almost every day. The weird radiotherapy thing they had Mikey on seemed to be working incredibly well and the nurses were all incredibly optimistic. Well maybe that was because the only nurse I spoke to was Ray, “He’s doing excellently Gerard!” he’d exclaim whenever I met him in a hallway. I was taking a piss in the bathrooms when he came in with a patient who looked seriously sick. Still he’d smile at me and tell me how great Mikey is.

     One day when I came in Mikey was napping for the whole time I was there so I spent the entire time talking to just Frank.

      “How are you doing?” I’d said.

      “Same as usual.”

      “Have they got you in the same treatment as Mikey?”

      “Different branches of cancer man. I wish they did though, your brother seems to be doing like great, considering his body is trying to kill him…”

      And that was pretty much all we talked about in terms of cancer. I didn’t want to pry into Frank’s business and looked like he wasn’t about to hand it out.

     We talked about music a lot. It was our common ground. Also I loved the way his face lit up when he talked about his old guitars and his collection of misfits albums. “Aww man I used to have them all on vinyl! Then this dude found out some private shit and broke ‘em. Didn’t stop me liking him… Snapped them right in half! All of them. I was so pissed off. Couldn’t do anything about it though, it was eighth grade…”

     My mind was alert. He said “him”. Frank had liked a guy. Trying to control my delight I kept trying to casually bring up my sexuality. I failed and went home trying to figure out ways to say “I like guys too Frank. ‘Cause we’re both guys who like guys why don’t we fuck?”

     I failed to like flirt at all with Frank in the three and a half weeks I spent visiting Mikey. One day after a really long week I come in to see a very happy Mikey talking to an always very happy Ray.

      I waited patiently in my corner until Ray had gone. The other bed was empty.

      As Ray closed the door I raise my eyebrows at Mikey.

      “Nurse Toro says that I’m well enough to go home for most of the week!” He squeals.

      I smile widely and hug my little brother, “Mikey that’s great!”

      “Yea! I only have to come in for the radiotherapy like twice a week! Gerard the cancer is going away!”

      We embrace and giggle for a while. When we break apart the doors open and Frank is wheeled in limp and paler than normal. The nurses lift him onto the bed and look him up to a load of wires.

     Mikey’s face goes as serious as ever and he watches the nurses leave. “Frank was in for surgery today. They think now that he has something called “Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer” and that they’d been treating him wrongly all that time. He went in at like midnight last night. He’s pretty fucking sick, Gee.”

     I stay silent, looking over at the small fragile frame in the bed across from Mikey’s. I wish for the first time that I’d asked him how he really was.

    

I go to collect Mikey from the hospital on Saturday morning. Ray is standing in the entrance waiting with him when I get there. I really wish I could go to his room and say hi to Frank, see how he’s doing now.

     “Mikey,you need to take one of these every three hours,” Ray says handing Mikey a tub of red pills, “one of these a day,” another tub this time blue pills, “And these every night before bed,” two tubs of white pills in different shapes.

     “Yea sure thing,” Mikey says taking them from Ray.

      “It’s very important that you call if you have any questions at all. We’ll call to arrange your next radiotherapy session sometime in the coming week,” Ray says to both of us.

     “Thank you for everything Nurse Toro,” Mikey says smiling.

     I send Mikey out to my car and wait back to ask Ray about Frank.

     “Aw man, I can’t give away patient info… Well I can tell you that the surgery might have worked a little less brilliantly than we hoped…” he pauses for a while. He’s not smiling anymore. “He won’t be discharged for a while anyway so if you want you can visit him some time?”

      I nod furiously. I never really thought of visiting Frank alone.

      “Anyway I have to work, I’ll see ya Gerard!” Smiling again.

      “See ya Ray.”

      Mikey was waiting in the car for me. I walked back slowly processing my thoughts.  Frank was seriously ill. Frank doesn’t seem to be getting better. Honestly it seems like they’re not sure what is wrong with him.

      “I got a text from mom,” Mikey says the second I open the car door, “She’s coming down to take us out to dinner to celebrate the fact that I’m not dying. Well those weren’t her exact words but it’s practically what she meant.”

     “She never thought you were dying, Mikey,” I sigh.

     “Yea she did. That’s why she couldn’t bear to visit me.”

     “Okay Mikey, I don’t believe you but okay.”

     “Something up Gee?” he asks detecting my sullen tone.

     I nod, sigh and nod again. “I’m kinda worried about Frank. I mean they don’t know what it is that’s killing him…”

     “Oh.”

     We’re silent then for a while. Finally Mikey says, “I think that they will find out what’s wrong with him soon and then you guys can be gay lovers.”

     I laugh at Mikey’s optimism even though none of us truly believe that.

 

Dinner with our mom was nice. She arrived Saturday night and took us out Sunday. The best bit was she was paying. I’ve been extremely broke thanks to all the gas money and trying to pay some hospital bills the insurance wouldn’t cover. To the hospital and back was a good eleven dollars’ worth in gas.

      We ate out at this fancy French place and Mikey told mom about the treatment and the hospital.

     “I’m glad you’re getting better sweetie,” she says patting Mikey’s hand and then went back to her soup. Donna Way was not a woman of many words.

     The bill settled we returned to my house where I ended up on the couch. I had to give the house’s two beds to the sick dude and the old woman.

     That night my dreams were of Frank. Not sexual or romantic at all. Instead I dreamt he was bleeding all over, everywhere he had a tattoo that I knew about. He kept whimpering for me to save him but I couldn’t. I didn’t know what to do. He told me in his dying breath to play misfits at his funeral and to bury him in all his favourite colours.


	4. Chapter 4

I work late on Monday night unpacking boxes with Bob. By the time we’ve locked up it’s too late to get to the hospital. I spend the car ride home cursing and listening to Frank’s band’s EP. They’re really good.

     At home my mom and Mikey are in the kitchen, eating. “There’s a plate aside for you on the counter Gee,” mom says and then continues eating. I take my plate into the living room and flick through the channels to find something mind numbing. A reality TV cop show does the trick.

      I’m on the couch again tonight. This time when I dream of Frank it is sexual and he’s not dying.

 

I text Mikey as I get into my car after work the next day

_Going to see Frnk in the hospital. Will be home later. Tell mom she can stay another night if she wants to_

      His reply comes, lighting up the passenger seat, as I pull off a roundabout.

_Mom will stay. Have fun. Use protection_ _J_ _xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx_

      I roll my eyes and continue to the hospital. The sun is almost completely gone in the evenings now.

      When I walk into the hospital room Frank is just lying on his bed staring out the window.

     “Hey Frankie,” I say and he jumps slightly.

     “Gee! Your brother isn’t here y’know,” he says propping himself up in the bed.

     “Yea I know he’s back at my place. I came to visit you, thought you’d be lonely.”

     Frank looks up at me and smiles menacingly and suddenly all the images of last night come flooding back to me. Frank on his knees smiling up at me just like that… I sit in the chair and cross my legs.

     “Yea it’s been pretty boring here. Doctors and nurses are here the whole time. This group of college kids come in with Toro the other day and were supposed to ask “intelligent questions”, right? They come in and the first one asks if my chest hurts. I’m like “uh yea I have fucking lung cancer.” So they go silent for a while then the next one just looks at me and asks, “Do you have trouble breathing.” And I’m sitting here staring at these like twelve kids who are supposed to know _something_ about medicine, they’re fucking studying it and me hooked up to a fucking breathing machine!” I laugh with him and just stare adoringly, “I just laugh at them and Toro explains why their “intelligent questions” are really fucking stupid and that this breathing box,” he gestures to a machine by his bed, “is only here because I have trouble breathing! He then like asks them if they have anything actually intelligent to say and every kid is standing there because they’re afraid that whatever it is they say will be as stupid as what the others just said. Toro just leads them out of the room. I hope he sends them back to class and learn about cancer before they ask a dying man if his chest hurts.”

       I stare into Frank’s eyes. He stares back in mine. This is the part in the movie where we’d kiss or I’d propose or something. But this is not a movie

      But Frank just laughs. Then coughs.

      “How long have you been here Frankie?” I ask after a bit.

      “Too long,” he says his eyes looking at me but he’s far away. “They still aren’t sure what branch of this fucking disease I have. Heck all they know is I’m not dead, yet.”

       We sit in silence for a while and then start talking about Iron Maiden. It’s a light conversation compared to talking about cancer and shit.

 

On the way down the hall toward the main exit I run in to Nurse Toro. “Hey Ray, listen can I ask you something?”

       “Yea Gerard anything!” his reply comes with a smile that reminds me of a watermelon slice.

      “Uh well I was wondering if like shit goes okay with Frank, uh, Iero in the next while that I could bring him outta the hospital for a while…” I’m blushing. I feel like an eighth grader asking a girl’s dad if I can take his daughter out for a McDonalds.

      Ray smiles widely, “Yeah Gerard! I mean if the mucus starts clearingout and he can breathe then yea you can take him out for a few hours, but no sleepovers,” he winks at me. I go even redder.

      “Well thanks Ray, I’ll visit again like tomorrow,” I turn down the corridor.

      “Bye Gerard,” he calls after me, probably smiling widely.

     When I get home Mikey and Pete are playing Mario Kart on the couch, shouldering each other and laughing. You wouldn’t believe the dork on the couch has bowel cancer.

      “Where’s mom?” I ask slinging car keys on the counter.

      Realising I’m here Mikey pauses the game and pushes me backwards into the kitchen. “Tell me,” he says eyes glistening like a school girl about to receive some juicy gossip about who’s lost their v card. Maybe that’s exactly what he’s hoping to hear. When I don’t immediately answer he prods me in the chest and asks again, “C’mon Gee I’ve been curious all afternoon!”

     I sigh. “Nothing happened.”

     “Give it to me straight Gee.”

     “Nothing about this is straight,” I laugh, “the dude is sick as fuck but if he can breathe I might be able to bring him out of the hospital for a few hours. It must be so lonely there all the time and no family coming to visit. I don’t even know if he has family.”

     “He has an aunt in Denver but that’s it” Mikey says walking back into the living room.

     Upstairs my mom is fast asleep on my bed. It’s terrible but I hope she goes home soon. I love her and so does Mikey of course but the longer she stays the longer I have to sleep on the couch and with these dreams about Frank, the wet dreams that were the bane of my teenage years are always a threat. That would be really awkward.

      I wait in the kitchen drinking this cheap Jack Daniels knock off and smoking till Pete goes home and I can finally sleep.

      I’m out as soon as I hit on the couch. In my dream I’m in Frank’s hospital room. I’m lying in his bed but he’s not there. I decide I’d lie there and wait for him. After what felt like hours of watching cars fly by on the interstate Nurse Toro opens the door and wheels Frank into the room. He looks really bad, like he did when he came back from surgery only awake. Ray props him up in the bed beside me and Frank immediately curls into my chest. I play with his hair until he purrs. When he looks up again he’s not sick anymore but smiling like he did when I came to visit him. “Hey Gee,” he grins climbing on top of me and staring down into my eyes. He undoes my belt slowly, his eyes never leaving my gaze. My heart racing Frank’s head goes down between my legs and begins to pull at my length and put his mouth lightly over it. Just as I expect the ecstasy that should follow I look down and don’t Frank’s head but a tangle of damp sheets and my legs in the dark on my half price sofa.


	5. Chapter 5

I visit Frank the next evening. And the evening after that. And the evening after that. Each day his skin is a different shade of pasty and his voice a different level of hoarse. I’m no doctor but Frank is obviously not improving at the rate Mikey is.

     I take that Friday off to take Mikey to his next session of radiotherapy. My mom is planning to go home while we’re at the hospital. I wait with Frank in their room. We, as usual, talk about nothing important really for most of the time. Music, tattoos, music, overpriced gas and music are the usual topics.

     In a break from our “Top 50 rock songs ever” Frank says he gets outside for a walk every day because the doctors recommend fresh air. “I feel like a fucking vampire. As soon as I step outside I think I’m going to burn even though it’s like November.” He laughs and then breaks into a convulsion of coughs. “What’s it like to not be sick?” he asks when he’s finished. “What’s it like to not be sore, and not the way morphine makes you feel, like actual wellness.”

     I pause and then say “I don’t know Frankie. It feels like your only pain is mental you know. It’s only sore when you want something really badly but you can’t have it. Or when you stub your toe really hard. Other times you don’t really have a feeling you know?”

     He nods slowly and then scratches the back of his neck. Then we start talking about the smashing pumpkins.

     After a while I decide to head on ask him, “Wanna leave the hospital?”

     He laughs and then realising I’m serious raises his eyebrow, “What do you mean?”

     “Ray says you can leave the hospital at some point. He says it looks like you can breathe on your own soon and if you can you can get out for a few hours.” He looks delighted. “We can go out to get actually nice food. Well nicer.”

     “Are you asking me out?” he teases and then winks. “That’d be rad man! I’d love to eat real food or see something that hasn’t been sterilized and bleached! Actually to commemorate the no bleach can we go somewhere small and dingy?” He looks really happy.

     “Let’s go to _Alexander the fourth_ s,” I suggest. “They do nice enough food and it’s sleazy as fuck.”  
     “Okay!” Frank beams and seems to genuinely happy for the rest of the afternoon.

      When Ray wheels Mikey in I was so engrossed in a discussion about overrated bands that I didn’t notice my brother be lifted onto his bed at first.

      He’s fast asleep and looks really fragile, like he’s made from crepe paper.

     Ray nods at us, smiling, and backs out the door with the wheel chair.

     I walk over and tousle Mikey’s hair and fix the bed clothes around him. Still fast asleep I tuck his unicorns in beside him. After staring fondly I walk back to continue my discussion with Frank.

 

I arrive to collect Mikey from the hospital the next afternoon and Ray says that Frank was okay to leave for a few hours. A romantic dinner at 4pm was not exactly what I had envisioned. It wasn’t going to woo Frank off his feet and into bed with me. But I’ll take what I can get.

     It takes Frank a few minutes to dress and when I walk into the room he’s pulling his shirt. He has tattoos on his torso too. How is he so fucking hot!

     “Ready to dine?” he says in a kind of posh voice.

     “Oh indeed,” I try to reply in a posh voice no doubt sounding like an idiot, “but we need to drop Mikey home first.”

     “Is he not coming with us?” uh oh. Frank hadn’t thought of this as romantically as I did. Frank had thought we were dinner party not dinner date. Shit.

     “Nah he can’t he’s still too weak from whatever the fuck they did to him yesterday. He’s probably going home to sleep.”

     “Okay cool,” he’s smiling, possibly more than happy…

     We leave Mikey at my front door and then head straight for the restaurant. “Have to have you back by ten, Toro says” again I feel more and more like I’m taking a thirteen year old girl out to McDonalds and we’re sitting in the back of my mom’s car.

     “So early?” frank groaned, “I wanted to see the city when all its worst characters come out.”

      We park in my work reserved space. “Can you walk a block to get to the bar?” I ask sort of worried I’d like break Frank in an attempt to buy him a drink.

      “Yea I’m sure I’ll be fine Gee,” he says and we walk off in the direction of Doyle’s Irish Pub.

      At half four on a Sunday afternoon the Irish bar is strangely full. Everyone here is Irish though and the ages range vastly. We grab a booth that frees up as we enter and order our drinks.

      “Irish bars are always the best,” I say, “The people are really nice and the whiskey and Guinness is better than any of the other bars.”

     Frank agrees and tries to settle into the atmosphere but he’s obviously not used to it. He drinks slowly and wearily and pauses every sip or so to cough. Despite Frank’s unease the time flies like it always does when you’re at a bar with your friend.

     Just as Frank finishes his second glass I hear a call from a few booths over, “Way!” I turn around to see Bob bleary eyed and smiling at me. He walks over to us.

      “Didn’t expect to see you drinking on a Sunday Gerard! Oh is this your boyfriend” I feel my stomach sink. I had told Bob about Frank during work but I hadn’t clarified our relationship enough that drunk Bob would have any idea how to address him.

      “Eh no, this is my, um, friend Frank. Frank, this is Bob, my friend and boss,” that could have been smoother.

     “Hi,” Frank smiles at Bob, unfazed by his assumption.

     “Hey. Listen Gerard, I’ve got to go back to the guys, want to join us?” Bob says gesturing back to his friends. I knew them all pretty well but not well enough to hang out with them while I’m with Frank. The last time I’d been out with Bob he kept trying to set me up with his friend Bert.

     “Thanks Bob but we’re going to head on this time. Okay?” I smile at him and then knock back the last of my drink.

     “I’ll hold ye to it,” Bob says and then turning to Frank says, “Don’t get him pregnant.” He laughs at his own joke and clapping me on the back walks back to his other friends.

     “See you tomorrow bob,” I call after him. I turn around to see Frank grinning at me. “What?”

     “Ah nothing. Your friend’s nice. He’s the one not to cross I think” he laughs.

     “Yea Bob is great. Want to go on to Alexander’s now? It’s half six and we can’t have you late for Ray.”

     Alexander’s is the sleaziest place you can get into without being in a gang or walking through miles of alleys. Plus the food here is actually okay. Better than any fast food chain and better music in the background.

     Frank seems delighted here. He eats like a trucker, ploughing through wings and then a burger and chips then my chips.

     We get some looks from people, probably trying to figure out what age Frank is or figure out whether or not we’re a couple.

      When we’re finished eating I ask for the check. A bored looking woman in her twenties says “Yea sure thing sugar,” and goes off to get it.

      “Uh Gee, I have no money. Like nothing at all,” Frank says ashamedly. “Whatever money I had went to hospital bills and I’ve nothing left.”

      He looks so sorry that I feel the urge to hug him and tell him that it’s fine. But I can’t do that. Instead I wave him off and say, “It’s fine Frankie. I was going to pay anyway.”

      “I’m sorry Gee,” he looks so apologetic and sullen it doesn’t really look like him.

      It’s nine when we leave _Alexander the fourth_ ’s so I decide to stop off at the small park before we headed out to the hospital.

     The park is really dark with only circles of light every few feet flickering with the shoddiness of the public lighting system.

     We walk over to the “lake”. It’s too small to really be a lake but the city is proud of having a lake that that’s what they call it. We stand there skimming stones across the inky surface. Ripples warp the reflection of the night sky. You can hear cars and shouting and every now and again a gunshot but it still feels peaceful.

      We don’t say anything but we both sit down at the “lake” shore and slump into each other. We stare out as the ripples slow and disperse and the lake becomes a mirror, reflecting the brown clouds.

     “The city is exactly like it was before I got sick,” Frank whispers after a while.

     “Nothing has changed much since I was a kid,” I reply still staring out across the water.

      “I lived here before my parents died… This is where my friends all dared me to kiss a girl back in elementary school,” he says, “Nice place for a first kiss…”

      Oh my god he’s queueing me I think. He must be queueing me, no one talks about how nice a place is to kiss someone while you’re slumped against them. My mind raced trying to think of some clever line to ignite the kissing but all I can come up with is; “must have been.”

      Well that was shitty. Frank sat up straight and looked at me, an air of confusion about him. He must have been expecting a better line than that too. It seems to not bother him because he grabs my face anyway in both hands and lunges into me. Smooth and firm. Hungry but passionate. For someone seriously out of practice Frank was still a very good kisser.


	6. Chapter 6

I dance into the house. Literally dance. I find Mikey eating toast in the kitchen and pull him into a waltz. He grins at me and doesn’t even ask just goes with the dancing.   
We dance upstairs and I dance into my room and kick Mikey out. I don’t really have words for him right now.

Bob is really hung over the next day and we spend most of the day just chatting. He apologises for making things awkward and that he wouldn’t have come over if Bert hadn’t wanted to know if I’m still single. I tell him that I’m not and he congratulates me. It’s not that frank and I are decidedly a thing now it’s just that I don’t want anyone else.  
I can’t go to see Frank tonight. I promised Pete and Mikey I’d go over to Pete’s and meet Brendon, the boy who’d come to work with him. As nice as Brendon is and as fun as Pete always is I really wish I was with Frank. I said I’d draw him next time we were together.   
Pete kept trying to pull me into conversations but I’m just not in the mood today. I just sit by his apartment window and stare out across the park. Pete could have seen me and Frank last night if he was looking out the window. I feel so wistful staring out the window and thinking romantic thoughts but that’s all ruined when Pete produces a bottle of vodka and suggests a drinking game. I pretend to have trouble leaving my spot to go and drink cheap alcohol but it’s rare that I don’t want vodka.  
We end up staying the night at Pete’s. When my body clock wakes me up for work I have a monstrous headache and Mikey sleeping practically on top of me.   
I stumble into Pete’s kitchen and make coffee. I pat my pockets but I have no fags. Great.   
Pete and Brendon stumble in when I’m on my second cup of coffee. The headaches extreme in all of us. All I really remember is that the drinking game got so intense that we ended up using three bottles of vodka. That’s practically one each because Mikey couldn’t have much.  
Pete puts more coffee on and hands everyone some pain killers. I have no motivation for work so I end up calling Bob and telling him I’m really sick. He gives me the day off and I drive Mikey and myself home.   
Being home during a week day is weird so I decide to treat it more like a week night and head straight for the bed. Mikey follows suit despite drinking much less than me Pete and Brendon. He very responsibly stopped drinking because, “If I don’t stop I’ll get more fucking cancer in my bladder or something.”

After sleeping most of the afternoon off I decide to visit Frank. Still heavily hung over I drink more coffee before driving off.   
I walk into the cancer unit of the hospital and I see nurses and doctors running. Trying to stay out of everyone’s way edge along the wall until I get to Frank’s room.  
Something felt very wrong. Frank was gone and so was his “breathing box”. Maybe he’s just out for one of his walks I think, no, hope. I step into the hall and collide immediately with a nurse.  
“Toro! Hey man, where is Frank?” I ask picking him up.  
“Surgery Gerard, I’ve got to run!” He calls back at me. Oh no I think over and over. Fuck cancer. I follow signs and eventually wind up in the waiting room of the intensive care unit. I just sit there. I have no idea what they’re doing with him. I have no idea what I’m doing here and I have no idea if I’m in the right place.  
An hour passes and more people rush to and from the set of white double doors. I decide to text Mikey,  
Frnk’s in surgery. Seems really serious bc people are running about. I’m worried. Not coming home till I know he’s ok  
His reply comes immediately  
Hey Gee I’m sure he’ll b ok. I’ll cook something here and make sure you come home xxxxxxxxxxxx  
I wait another two hours before some doctors come out rubbing their hands and wiping their brows. A few minutes later some nurses leave, including Ray.  
I wave him over and ask him what’s happening. He sits down beside me and my first thought is that it’s bad news.  
“Uh he had difficulty breathing in the middle of the night apparently, I was at home. So they checked his oxygen and that seemed to be fine but Frank was finding it harder to breathe so they rushed him in for scans and it turns out his lungs were full of mucus and the cancer we’d cut out had grown back double. So we pumped all the mucus out and cut half the cancer out.” Ray says all this staring at me waiting for me to figure it out. I’m only sort of following but I urge him on anyway. “We couldn’t take out all the cancer because his lungs are too weak. So we have him in on life support. He’s out cold but alive. We have to be ready for anything in the next twenty four hours. He’s stable but still critical you know?”   
I sigh in relief. He’s okay now. “Can I go in and see him?” I ask hopefully.   
Ray scratches his jaw and agrees but he has to be with me. We walk in and stand awkwardly by his bed, surrounded in machines beeping and flashing. I take a picture I’d sketched of him and slip it into his night dress.  
When we’re back out in the corridor Ray turns to me, “you probably shouldn’t have done that but whatever. He won’t be awake for a while and he won’t be up to visitors till tomorrow evening. Do you want us to call you or something?”  
“Yea that’d be great,” I sigh gazing at the big white doors. Poor Frankie…  
“Oh and can Mikey come in tomorrow for his next radiotherapy session?” Ray asks gesturing us toward the main hall.  
I nod. Ray excuses himself to go do something medical and I walk through the halls on my own. Hospitals are a lot like mazes. Halls everywhere randomly connecting. You walk a corridor long enough you’ll end up somewhere you didn’t know exists or didn’t think could possibly be connected to where you were. Sometimes you end up floors up without having taken any stairs or elevators. Hospitals are just confusing as fuck. By the time I make it out into the car park the sun is setting over the interstate.

It takes my entire lunch break to race back to the house, pick Mikey up, drop him to the hospital and get back. I break the speed limit the whole way practically shove Mikey out of the car while moving and am still late for work.  
The latter half of my week day includes lots of helping customers find stuff. People have begun Christmas shopping already so it was usually middle aged women looking for “a cd by that screaming band that begins with s” or “a t shirt with someone from Steel Panther’s face on it”. Dealing with these customers is exhausting. Especially the ones who are convinced they know something (no ma’am the band is 30 seconds to mars not 30 second stars) or when they ask me about the instruments and things when Bob is hiding somewhere in the back office.   
I leave for the hospital before the shop is even locked up. I meet Ray pushing Mikey in the hall on the way to his room. He looks completely out of it but Ray is just cheerful and tells me all about the improvements in Mikey’s treatment and how he seems strong enough to undergo more radiotherapy in a sequence though it means losing his hair. Maybe he’ll get a wig like those guys in steel panther have. Or maybe he’ll refuse to undergo more treatment for vanity. I doubt that though.  
I don’t really know how Mikey would look at all like Mikey without his hair.  
In the room Frank is staring out the window at the setting sun, my sketch on his locker. I help Ray lift Mikey into the bed and then go to sit with Frank. He looks fragile, helpless, and small. Even though he is physically small he has a presence that makes him seem much taller. Now he’s just small. “Hey Frankie.”  
“Hey Gee,” he coughs, “what’s up man?”  
“Nothing really Christmas shoppers in the shop are a pain in the ass. I came to see you yesterday.”  
“Yea I know. I got the picture. It’s really fucking beautiful. Sorry I’m so fucking sick the whole time Gee…”  
“Frankie we both know it’s not your fault, you don’t have to apologise to me. How are you now?”  
“High as fuck. Morphine to numb the pain but its wearing off now,” he scratches the back of his neck, wincing, “I think they now have a vague idea of what’s wrong with me but it’s pretty late in my… stage? I don’t know what the term is only that I’ve had cancer for a long ass time.”  
We sit then for a while in silence. My poor Frankie.  
After a while I begin to tell Frank the tale of the Christmas shopping moms. He laughs and practically chokes but colour is returning to his cheeks which is good I think.  
Mikey is out for the entire time I’m there. Ray comes to tell me I have 5 minutes left.   
“Thanks for visiting Gee. No seriously thank you, I’m glad I’d met you,” Frank says as I reach the door.  
“The feeling is mutual man, see ya”  
“See ya.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smut alert in this chapter!

Mikey stays in for a week and a half having radiotherapy every second day. His hair is thinning out and he’s threatening to get a wig that would look like early Ziggy Stardust hair. Frank and I both think that that is a very bad idea. His other option is to go for a Beatles style wig. We’re not terribly keen on that either.   
We barter with Ray and I get him out for thanksgiving at our mom’s. I tried to get Frank out too but his doctors point blank refused, said it wasn’t time yet.  
Thanksgiving with the family is always nice but the drive to New Jersey and back isn’t terribly fun.  
When we get back to the hospital and settle Mikey back into his room we see Frank sitting up in bed eating Turkey with a rotund woman. He smiles broadly at me when I sit down. He’s looking much better and it was only two days. “Hey Gee! This is my aunt Marie, came here all the way from Denver just to feed me proper thanksgiving food” he beams. He’d mentioned his aunt before but I never thought to be meeting her in an Iron Maiden t-shirt and black jeans.  
“Hi Frank, it’s nice to meet you Miss Iero,” I hope I got that right.  
“You must be Gerard!” she says standing up and hugging me, “Frank has told me so much about you! You’re a very good artist!”  
Behind her Frank is blushing a deep red. It’s the first time he’s ever looked embarrassed for as long as I’ve known him. “Yea I showed her your drawings. No denying you’re very talented Gee,” he says, avoiding my eyes.  
I have to leave Mikey and Frank at the same time as Frank’s aunt and I offer her a lift. “Oh that’s very kind of you Gerard but I’m just driving home now.”  
“You drove all the way up here for one afternoon just to drive all the way home?” I ask incredulously.   
“When you love someone like I love my little Frankie a few hours in the car is nothing.”

The days fly into December and I spend all my nonworking hours in the hospital room. Sometimes Mikey wouldn’t be there or wouldn’t be awake and I spend a precious few hours alone with Frank. Sometimes we kiss but mostly he refuses to saying over and over “it’s not fair to” or “it’s too hard”. I don’t ask him to elaborate.  
One day I get a call from the hospital. My first reaction is to panic but it’s not something to panic about. Mikey had been in for one of his scans and got an all clear. They’re going to run some more tests but it looks like he’s clear. No more cancer. I texted Pete because I knew he’d want to know and his reply came   
OMFG that’s the best thing I’ve heard all month can I come with you to the hospital??? –P  
After work I pick up Pete and we fly to the hospital. Ray says that they’re going to keep him in for another round of scans to be sure, then he’ll have to get check-ups every few months which insurance is refusing to cover.  
When we walk into the room Pete half tackles Mikey and starts pointing out how thin his hair is. Mikey shoves him off and sits up straight to start talking to us.  
Frank looks better. As much better as he did when I brought him out of the hospital. If it wasn’t for the wires stuck in him here and there you could even think he was fine.  
Pete and Mikey delved into conversation straight away so I decide to sit with Frank, “Hey Frankie, how’re you doing?”  
“I don’t feel like I’m dying today, Gee. That’s a good sign right?” He smiles, genuinely positive.  
“That’s really good Frankie,” I say but my mind is trying to figure out whether or not I can bring him out. “What’s your opinion on coming out again soon? When the doctors say its okay…”  
He doesn’t even think about he just straight out says, “Hell yea! Can we go over to yours? I do believe you make the best coffee.” He’s fucking queueing me again.   
My reply fails again; “yea sure thing!” I’m just not fucking good with words.  
On my way out I send Pete to the car and seek out Ray. His hair is loose and big as he walks out one of the side doors. “Hey Ray can ask you some things?”   
“Yea Gerard, what’s up?”  
“Uh Frank is looking better and I’m just wondering um if he can leave the hospital again soon?” I’m blushing again.  
“Oh.” He looks thoughtful for a moment. “Well if we give him another few days and the results come in… You know what if the treatment is working as well by the end of the week you can take him out the same day you bring Mikey home.”

The whole week I spend hoping that he will make a rapid improvement. I have Mikey as a spy to tell me what his scan results are like and how he’s taking whatever weird ass treatment they have him on.   
Finally when Friday comes I’m practically bursting. Mikey is cancer free and Frank could be leaving. Frank could be coming home with me even just for a few hours.  
The hospital is pretty busy today. The halls are full of kids in white coats with clipboards. When I walk into Mikey and Frank’s room they’re both laughing really hard. “What?” I grin at them. They’re both in normal clothes.  
“We just had some students in here,” Mikey says between laughs, “And they were supposed to ask intelligent questions…”  
Ray signs them both out and tells me to have Frank back by midday tomorrow. All the way back into the city I heard examples of intelligent questions the students were asking; “Are those wires connected to that machine?” “Does it hurt when you use the bathroom?” and one girl asked Mikey; “Are you single?”  
Mikey tells me just as we’re on a roundabout to drop him to Pete’s.   
“See ya later, have fun” he calls to me as I pull away a dorkish grin on his face.   
Frank flings himself in the couch as soon as we get in. He fits lying horizontally on it. “Come ‘ere Gee,” he says sitting up and patting the seat beside him.   
The second I sit down he twists around to look at me, “the house smells like you”  
I laugh, “I don’t know how to take that.”   
“Oh that’s a good thing. It doesn’t smell like bleach or like that pub or Alexander’s” he smiles up at me. I honestly don’t know what to do. If ever I take someone home I’m drunk and they lead.  
Frank, obviously sensing my discomfort, sits rigid. “Want to do something?” he asks, “Got monopoly or-” I cut him off by kissing him. No way are we going to play monopoly.  
He sits up immediately and wraps his arms around my neck and holds our heads together. I just hold his hips and he starts grinding into me. I try not to moan or breathe to heavy yet.   
Frank detaches from my mouth and kisses down my jaw line and nibbles at my neck. I gasp slightly as he finds the sweet spot by my ear. “I want to see you, Gee,” he murmurs into my ear. I unzip my jacket and as I throw it aside Frank impatiently undoes my belt. He slides off my pants and then his own. Then we’re kissing again but more hungrily, more passionately.  
Frank is sitting on me, straddling me, making impossible for me to move. I’ve lost all sense of time, we could have been kissing a year for all I know when he takes one hand out of my hair and slides it down my chest smoothly to hold my length. He then slowly starts flicking his wrist along me and I can’t help but to moan into his mouth. He smiles and picks up speed. I feel my breath and heart beat speed up. Not fair, too soon. I move my hands around his back and then one to the front. “No” he breathes and stands up. I groan; I really don’t want him to stop.   
He rolls me unto my side and slides two of his fingers in me, never breaking eye contact. I start to moan straight away and Frank silences me with his mouth. After a while he adds another finger and I groan loudly. Just when I think it’s all too much Frank takes his fingers out and moves behind me. I shuffle on to all fours. He takes a few seconds more than I anticipated and the suspense makes me want to cry out. “Oh Frankie stop teasing me. Come on Frankie, please.”   
I hear a small laugh from behind and then feel Frank enter me. I sigh slightly in relief which quickly becomes a moan as with each thrust Frank hits my prostate and each time goes a little deeper. I whimper, “Aw fuck Frankie.” He almost pulls all the way out, and then crashes in and I feel myself getting closer faster and faster.   
Frank feels this too and leans in close to my ear, “You gonna cum Gee? You gonna cum for me?”   
It doesn’t take much more before I do. I gasp and moan, Frank pulls out and licks my stomach clean. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone look so fucking hot. I lie there for a moment half off my couch then realise Frank didn’t finish. I crawl over to Frank and lift his length into my mouth as seductively as I can. I move my tongue around it trying to get as much in my mouth as I can. I hear Frank moan and he wraps my hair around his fingers. He moves my head over him in a rhythm moaning, “Oh fuck Gee. Oh fuuuuuck.” He fills my mouth and I drink him in, savouring the taste of Frank.  
When I’ve finished I sit up and Frank lies into me. His small frame fits perfectly against my body, and I realize how fragile and vulnerable he really seems at times. He’s just so perfect especially when he’s curled up by my side. We lie there for another while, recovering. After a while I turn on a zombie movie and we make out to the sound of the gore.


	8. Chapter 8

I drop Frank back to the hospital the next morning. He’s all smiles and “visit soon”s. He walks up the steps and in through the main doors. I smile all the way to Pete’s and I’m still smiling when Mikey jumps in the car. All the car ride home I smile and when Mikey asks what happens I burst out with stories.

     “On the couch? Aw man eww! I have to sit there! And the counters? That’s unhygienic,” he sounds horrified.

      “And the shower. Don’t worry man I’ve cleaned the whole house,” I say still smiling like an idiot.

     “I don’t think I’ll ever ask again, ever. Ignorance is bliss or better at least.”

     When we get home Mikey goes into his room and doesn’t leave. I sit up in the kitchen on the counter where Frank and I were last night. I light a cigarette but then put it out in honour of Frank.

 

I decide to go to the hospital around midday the next day. Frank is sitting up in the bed a little pasty and coughing.

     “Hey Frankie are you okay?” I ask. He looks fragile again, like those few hours we spent together weakened him.

     “Hi,” cough, “Gee, I’m o-” cough, “kay. Fucking coughing up my,” cough, “insides. Fuck it.” I sit there as he coughs.  When he stops he starts shaking.

     Naturally I start to panic, “Frankie are you okay. Frankie?” He starts coughing again spasms going through him, “Frank want me to get the doctors?”

     He nods and I fall over trying to reach the door. In the hall I frantically look around then start shouting for help. A cluster of doctors run toward me. One of them pushes me aside and the next thing they’re wheeling his bed out the door and down the hall.

     Numbly I follow behind not making sense of the surroundings. Door, no walking into walls, don’t trip over that kid, door, dodge running nurses and another door. It all just blurs about me.

     Miraculously I find myself back in the waiting area of the intensive care unit. The hands on the big clock tick around again and again as doctors and nurses run to and fro. The light outside begins to fade and I’m still in a daze. The surrealism makes it feel like everything is happening around me, like I am not part of this world just viewing it. When a doctor emerges and starts talking to me I don’t make sense of her words at first. I don’t think she’s talking to me as much as talking to the space about me. She waves her hand in front of my face and slowly I begin to focus on her voice “… Mr. Way? Mr Way can you hear me?”

     I look up at her and nod, “We’re going to have to ask you to go home, Mr. Way. We’ll call you if anything happens but going home now would be advisable. You can return to see Mr Iero on Tuesday, okay?” She looks stern.

     “Okay,” I mumble and stand unsteadily. I shuffle my way through the labyrinth of hospital wings and out into the car park. I’m not sure what’s happening as I drive home, everything is blurry and incomprehensible. My poor Frank. It’s as if taking him out of the hospital, even or a few hours, is going to fucking kill him. I hate myself for selfishly wanting him. Wanting him in me when it’s so obviously bad for him.

     I pull into the house and sit in the car as the sun sets completely.

 

Mikey new straight away that something was wrong and spent the whole night trying to cheer me up, “they know what they’re doing Gee, they’ll fix him up,” or “They fixed this before they’ll fix it again,” or “Don’t worry Gee, you’ll see him Tuesday and you’ll see he’s fine”.

     I wanted to believe Mikey. I wanted to believe that he’s okay. But how can I be sure he’s okay, he’s often said he’s dying. And even if he’s okay I can’t get rid of the idea that it’s my fault.

    I drink really heavily that night, polishing off a bottle and a half of Bourbon and I end up throwing up half the night. Mikey helps me into bed and then slumps off to his own.

     Work the next day is plain torture. I have a monstrous hangover and the shop is freezing and I don’t know how to put the heating on and Bob is out. It also means I spend the whole day dealing with Christmas shoppers trying to understand what their kids might actually want even though they’re going through an “I hate everything” phase.

      Pete comes in for a Metallica album and stands there snickering at me as I try to find a certain type of bass guitar. Before I hand it to the woman who is standing expectantly at the counter, Pete walks out and speedily tunes it for me. The woman leaves and for the short break between floods of customers I get to thank Pete and ring up his Metallica albums.

     At last it’s time to go home I step outside into the rain to lock up. The wind is biting and the rain is icy. Of course there’s traffic on the way home and of course it’s only Monday so I can’t even visit Frank.

     I drink heavily again tonight and live a replay of last night.

 

After a harrowing day at work again it’s finally time to visit Frank. My head pounded all day and Bob was absent again so I had to struggle with amps and drum kits all on my own. It was freezing again and I was faced with more Christmas shoppers than ever. I should be happy with all the business but I swear if one more person asks if Blink-182 is the same as that Irish band Blink I’m going to cry.

      The interstate is blocked up and it takes four times as long to drive the mile out to the hospital. I curse in frustration constantly. Even the turn off to the hospital is blocked up; “What the fuck! Seriously people could be fucking dying and not able to get into the fucking hospital. This is fucking stupid!” I shout and punch the horn.

     Finally I’m parked and I hurtle into the hospital. I all but run into the cancer wing. I find the door and pull it open, rather dramatically.

     “Uh sorry,” I say because there are two old women in the beds. At first I thought I was just in the wrong room but the number on the door is the number it always is. I walk back down the hall to the front desk.

     “Hello, sorry ma’am. I’d like to know if a patient, uh Frank Iero, is still in intensive care,” I say when the woman at the reception gets off the phone.

     “Spell it,” she says in monotone.

     “Frank I-e-r-o…”

     “He left the hospital yesterday morning sir.”

     “What?” I ask incredulously.

     “He left the hospital. He was transferred.”

     “What? Where to?” My mind races they told me not to visit yesterday and now he’s gone?!

     “I am not authorised to release patient information sir, unless you are a family member or a legal representative. You are neither, I’m afraid I can’t help you.”  
     I look around the room, I don’t know why but I do. “Please can you just tell me where he is now?”

     “I’ve told you sir, I can’t release that information. Good day.”

     I stumble around the foyer for a bit before sitting down and taking out my phone. I text Mikey. I’m not sure what to say or do and there’s nothing Mikey can really do either.

_Frank is gone. They moved him to a different hospital and won’t tell me where._

While waiting for Mikey’s reply I catch sight of something familiar. Ray Toro’s hair.

     “Ray!” I all but shout flying to my feet, “Ray, Ray, Ray, hey!”

     “Hi Gerard how are you? How’s Mikey?”

     “Fine. Listen Ray they’re telling me Frank was transferred? But they won’t say where to!”

     “Oh yea,” he rubs his jaw. “I’d tell you Gerard but I don’t know. Honestly, was on my day off and I wasn’t one of his main nurses so they won’t tell me.”

      My heart plummets.

     “Though there is one thing,” he walks over to the receptionist. “Is Mr. Way’s letter here?”

     The receptionist produces an envelope with _Mr. Gerard Way_ scrawled awkwardly on the front. I take it from her and Ray says, “This was left in the room when we moved the other patients in this afternoon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frankie?


	9. Chapter 9

I didn’t open the envelope till I got home. I sit on the counter and rip it apart. All that was inside was a drawing of Frank I’d done. Mikey is standing across from me and for the first time since my little brother was diagnosed with cancer, I cry.

     The envelope just contains a smudged pencil drawing of Frank sitting in the hospital bed smiling sweetly.

     I can’t believe it really. I don’t know what I was expecting. A heartbroken letter? A poem or song declaring his undying love? Anything but his face, alone on a page. I know this face. Not only have I seen it but I drew this for fuck’s sake.

     I fold the page over and slide it back into the envelope and walk calmly upstairs. Tears creating darker patches on my fading black jacket. It’s only when I enter my room do I let the tears roll freely down my cheeks. This is not fair. They can’t just take Frankie away and not tell me where to. They can’t just cut me off.

     I’m going to find Frank.

     Even if I have to search every hospital in the country, one by one.

 

Unfortunately my search can’t start yet. I still have responsibilities like work and Mikey. The next day I have to work.

     At least Bob is there but even then the dealing with clueless Christmas shoppers makes me want to punch something. Bob and I laugh at some of their idiocies and make distressed expressions at each other across the shop. Most of the time it’s just infuriating. No ma’am Paramore is _not_ “screamo”. No, no Metallica can be found in the metal section not in the classics.

     At half four the students started piling in as opposed to their mothers who were shopping for them. It was easier to deal with them because they actually knew what they were saying most of the time but there was so fucking many of them.

     When I could finally go home my voice and feet were sore. I said bye to Bob and got in the car to drive to the next closest hospital.

 

Christmas songs were all that was on the radio in the car and I forgot CDs so I stuck to silence. Interstate is pretty fast but the longer spent in silence the more my mind repeats _this is pointless_. I know that in moving Frank they probably didn’t move him to another regional but to a bigger hospital but I’ve got to try.

      Fifty four minutes and thirty eight seconds later I pull off the interstate and into the city. I only realise on my way off the roundabout I have no idea where the hospital is here.

     I crawl along the city outskirts, reading every road sign and looking down every other road. A traffic jam builds up behind me, so long that I can’t see the end in my rear view mirrors. Finally I read a sign for the hospital and speed away down that road. The traffic immediately starts picking up pace along the street I just pulled off, probably full of cursing, frustrated drivers.

     The hospital lobby plays Demi Lovato and only Demi Lovato. It smells like bleach and rubber. It resembles Mikey’s old hospital greatly except it had a lot more plants.

     Dodging past patients, nurses and potted plants, I made it to the reception. “Um hi, could I inquire after a patient?”

     “Hello there,” the nasal voice came, “of course you can, name?”

     “Uh yea Frank Iero. I-e-r-o” I say nervously.

     “One second now… ah yes there seems to be no such patient here, sir. Are you sure you’ve got the right hospital?”

      “No, no I’m not sure. Thank you ma’am,” I murmur. I expected Frank to not be here but it’s still fucking disappointing. I was hoping the search would be over already.

      I drove home in silence. _It’s okay I’ll find him_ I kept trying to reassure myself but it feels like a lie. Hundreds of thousands of hospitals in the country and I’ve checked two.

     It’s fully dark when I pull into the drive. Mikey’s in the living room watching a programme on the Beatles and laughing at whatever Ringo just said. “Any luck?” he calls over the couch.

     “Nope,” I say searching the liquor cabinet for bourbon. “I’m going to try south tomorrow.”

     “Gee…” Mikey says sitting up and looking around at me. “There’s a lot of hospitals and a lot of the best ones are far away and…” he trails off.

     “Yea I know…” I say opening the bottle and taking a swig, “but I want to find him. To know that he’s going to be okay.”

     “I get that, but Gerard, searching every hospital is probably not the best option you know. Also, really, you’re drinking on a Wednesday night?” He sighs.

     “No...” I take another few long gulps and put it away, “I guess I’m not.” I can feel it heat up my throat and fuzz the edges of my mind. “In fact I’m going to bed.”

     My footsteps tread heavy as I slump up the stairs. I hear Mikey turn the Beatles thing down a bit and I mentally thank him. I doubt that I’ll sleep but whatever, I can try.

 

Work is boring the next day. Barely any customers which feels strange after the Christmas shopper flurry of the past few weeks. My head is a little bit painful but not too bad thanks to Mikey. Bob just puts the albums in order and I clear out my email inbox. Facebook, Facebook, Pete and more Facebook. The day moves so slowly it hurts. Finally it’s locking up time and I can get on the road. Or not. A text comes from Mikey

_Couldn’t resist looking in that envelope from Frank and I think you missed a part. Come home bro xxxxxxxxxxxx_

      My mind races all the way home. Missed something? How? What’s there to miss?

     I barely park the car before I’m in the door and at the kitchen counter where Mikey is holding the picture I drew. He then flips it over and written along the back in a hurried scrawl is _call my aunt Marie_ and then a phone number.


	10. Chapter 10

My eyes grow wide and for a few minutes I’m rendered immobile. Frank didn’t just leave.

     “Well are you gonna call her?” Mikey blurts after a while.

      I nod and pull out my phone and type in the numbers. It rings and rings and rings… I feel like it’s going to ring out but instead a voice comes through, “Hello?”

      I gasp for some reason. “Hi um Ms Iero… My name is Gerard Way… we met a while back at thanksgiving or so…”

      “Gerard yes! How are you?” she gushes from the other end.

      “I’m okay thanks. I’m calling about Frank… They’ve taken him from the hospital here and I don’t know where to…”

       Mikey looks keenly at me, “Oh will they not tell you?” she gasps, “how mean. He is here in Denver, currently having surgery…” she chokes up a little. “I won’t lie it’s pretty… you can come visit. There’s a bed here for you to stay in if you want.”

      My eyes start to blur and I nod. Then realising she can’t see me squeak out a “yes. I’ll leave right now.”

                                               

“It’s a long-ass drive for this time of day.” Mikey says from my doorway as I throw a few things into a bag. “Like six hours at least.”

      “Great, if I leave now it’ll be like what midnight? That’s okay,” I say slinging the bag over my shoulder. “I can’t wait Mikey, if he’s in surgery what if I’m too late?”

      He sighs, conceding. “Right, okay, whatever. Are you sure you want to go alone?”

     I nod shoving past him and bounding downstairs. I pull eleven or so CDs off the sitting room stereo and shove them in the bag. “okay I’ll text you” I say as I fiddle the front door open.

     “Gee,” Mikey calls after me, “be sensible.”

     “Always,” I grin and close the door.

     I’m a mess of emotions as I drive toward the west exit onto the interstate. I’m happy, excited, nervous and heartbroken all at once. He’s alive right now, I’m going to see him, but in six hours…

     I forget all about the music I’ve brought and listen to Christmas themed songs until I get off the roundabout. I shake myself out of it and put on the cd at the top of the pile, Iron Maiden. The sun is hanging low in the sky and there’s no traffic.

     Soon I’ve left all signs of civilisation and there’s just a lot crops. Every now and then I’d pass a farm house or a few cows but that’s it.

     I let the road stretches out before me as I drive well above the speed limit toward the setting sun.

 

About two hours on the road I notice I’m nearly out of fucking gas. I just push on and pray to something for a station nearby. Slowly instead of becoming immersed in places to get gas I get immersed in trees. The little light on my dash I thought was broken starts flashing telling me I’m practically running on fumes.

     The trees just get more and more dense and the tank gets more and more empty. At one point the trees are so fucking dense that they cover the sign and I almost miss the turn off to the gas station. The car groans as I stomp on the breaks and twist the wheel viscously. The car makes weird creaking noises as I push it down the short drive to the gas station. I pull up at the pump and pour as much fuel in as I can as quick as I can, I honestly don’t want to waste any time.

     The woman behind the counter seems surprised she has any customers and acts like she’s never used a cash register before. Maybe she sucks at her job or maybe I’m over pedantic because every second I spend standing here is a minute farther from Frank.

     As soon as I’m on the road I do even faster and I hear my car creak beneath me but at the moment I’m beyond caring. I’m carried to Frank by the sound of his favourite band.

 

I’m six hours on the road to the second and when I hit signs saying “Welcome to Colorado.” Yea okay great I’m not in Denver yet. The last miles are torturous. I’m tired, it’s dark and I’m so close to Frank yet so far away.

     The car grinds to a halt and god if cars could talk it would be cussing like a bitch. I wasn’t the most considerate driver in my efforts to get here. I’m low on gas again and really low on funds but I don’t care.

     Denver’s hospital reception is pretty normal, no potted plant absurdities or anything. I make it to the front desk but before I can ask the middle aged woman behind it if she can direct me to the hospital room of Frank I-e-r-o my name gets called behind me. “Gerard Way? Is that you?”

     “Hi Ms Iero…” I say turning around to see Frank’s aunt flushed and watery eyed.

     “Hello dear. Please call me Marie. Would you come this way?” She starts walking down a stark white corridor. We climb a staircase and turn enough corners so I no longer have a notion which wing I’m on. The double doors are all different colours, trying to add cheer to the cancer ward…

     When we stop we’re facing a window into a dimly lit room full of complex machines with flashing diodes and numbers that mean something in the medical jargon.

     After staring for some time at the glow of the machines I decide to let my eyes try focus in on Frank. His pale little face comes slowly into view looking drawn and old. His mouth is covered by an oxygen mask and his blanket is pulled up and under his chin. He looks so small.

     “What…” my voice trails. I don’t know what questions I want to ask mainly because I don’t know what answers I want to hear.

     “He’s in a c-” Marie croaks and then covers her mouth. “I’m sorry,” shaky breath, “you might want to talk to a doctor…” she steps backwards and sits down on a seat.

     I sigh and take a seat next to her. There is no clock here but I know it’s pretty early. 1am or so. Marie must have been here a very long time because she has a completed book of Sudoku puzzles and a half empty box of tissues.

     I can’t really see in through the window. The machine with glowing red numbers and a box monitoring irrationally inconsistent heart beats is all I can see. The heart monitor shows his heart increasing speed and then slowing. Some beats are larger than others and the whole changing thing is worrying. People should have an even heartbeat, even I know that.

     After a hundred or so heart beats a doctor opens the double door carrying a shit ton of clip boards. He places them in this pocket in the wall I didn’t know existed by Frank’s door and walks in. He looks at all the monitors and scribbles on a clipboard. Checks more and scribbles more. He places the clipboard on the door on his way out.

     “Excuse me doctor, I’m a close friend of the patient but um I don’t know what’s going to happen to Frankie… at all. Could you like explain it please? Is he going to be okay?” I ask. Marie is, I realise now, asleep beside me.

     “Uh yea sure,” the doctor shifts uncomfortably and crosses his arms, “the patient has lung cancer as you probably know. He had surgery on it and we removed a large part of the cancerous cells but, of course, that includes cutting out a whole load of his lungs too… The thing is he could either react okay to this, come out of his coma and be almost cured or…” the doctor looks pitifully at me. Coma. That can’t be good, “the cancer could grow back or his lungs might be too weak reduced to what they are. Either way there is a chance he might not wake up.”

     I take in a sharp breath. I’m not sure what I hoped to hear. Not this. Frank being perfect after this and coming home with me in a few days was an illogical wish. I had wished it anyway.

     “Though, I must say, his lung capacity has grown since the last time I checked so there is plenty of hope yet.”

     I nod to the doctor and thank him. Picking up his clipboards he strides away down the hall. I lie back against the cold plaster wall behind and somehow in the greatest discomfort I find sleep.

 

My eyes fly open and white fills my eyes. You know that panic you get when you wake up in a new place full of strange noises and strange people? Well that was coursing through me as I leapt to my feet and tried to remember where I was. People are rushing in and out the door in front of me and blinds are drawn shut. There’s plenty of shouts and scampering.

     My mind focuses in on the secondary noises and I hear something that sounds like an electric chair in those old horror movies. My heart fills with fear and my vision grows black at the edges from the sudden waking.

     Franks aunt is awake beside me tears rolling down her cheeks and eyes trained on the door. I can’t bring myself to speak.

     Five minutes pass in what feels like a decade and I suddenly get the theory of relativity. I pray silently to every god I can think of. I cross my fingers and my toes and I sob.

     Suddenly all goes silent except for a long beep. The doctors emerge slowly. One walks up to us and says something. I don’t hear it as much as see it. Her mouth shapes, _I’m so sorry._

     Then my vision goes completely black.

 

The funeral is held the next day. I spend a sleepless night at the funeral home with some of Frank’s childhood friends and his aunt.

     Dressed in no more black than usual I stand beside a man called James in the grey cemetery under grey skies that threatened to rain all afternoon. People read some things about Frank and some funny stories about him as a kid. My mind is confused by hearing it all in past tense. _Frank was so funny, Frank was an amazing guitarist_ and _Frank had such a short time on this earth._ It makes no sense to me.

     The service is short and small. Back at a hotel in the city outskirts people laugh and reminisce about all the crazy shit Frank has done. I can’t really join in but listening is just as good. Some stories I know from Frank himself, some I don’t and are completely weird and out of character and I see this whole new dimension to the short guy with a huge personality.

     Back at the house, Marie hands me an envelope and then excuses herself to go and mourn by herself. I walk into the small guest room across the hall from Frank’s old room. I placed the letter on my bedside locker and just stared at it for a while before forcing myself to sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

I go home after another day. It doesn’t feel right intruding on someone else’s grief. I use Pete’s credit card to fill up the tank and take the six and a bit hour drive home. I try not to think about the end of me and Frank’s story and more about the middle and the start. How he laughed at me and Mikey as I shoved a unicorn on a grown man. How he begged me to bring him to a dingy place for dinner and how he kept hinting at me to say something smooth and awesome and how miserably I failed.

     Mikey hugs me the second I step in the door and doesn’t let go till I tell him I want to be alone. It’s then sitting on my bed that I open the letter.

 

     

_Dear Gee,_

_Hey man hope you’re okay. Don’t go crying on me now. I’m only writing this to get you to make sure they play the misfits at my funeral._

_Love Frank._

I flip the page over.

_I’m no good with words but here it goes._

_Okay Gee the real reason I’m writing this to thank you for saving my life. I mean if you’re reading this I’m dead… But for two whole years before now I was dead. My friends never visited anymore. My aunt could only come up every now and again. I couldn’t even make my music anymore. This just wasn’t living. I’d wished to die for years so this is a weird ass dream come true. But the hardest part of this is leaving you._

_Then you came along dressed in black with eyeliner smudged half way down your cheek and handing a twenty something year old dude a unicorn teddy. From then till now I’ve been thinking about you Gee. It was as if as soon as I had found a reason to live my lungs had realised they couldn’t. I guess that’s what you get for being a dick to your own body for twenty five years._

_I am so fucking sorry for bringing you into my misery, Gee, but I can tell you not a second we spent together could ever be a regret. Even if it landed me in intensive care the next day._

_If you say goodbye today, can I just ask you to be true. No regretting what we had because the hardest part of knowing I’m dying is knowing I’m leaving you._

_Thanks for saving me._

_All my love,_

_Frank._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So guys this is the end of the fic. I'd like you to know I cried while writing this chapter... As I've said this is my first fic to write and publish here so all criticism is welcome to help me improve. Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first fanfic to write and put up here. There are 10 more chapters in varying lengths so if you wish, read on!


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